Valentines Day is over, the chocolate and candy is on sale and singles still on
the market are wondering if they’ll forever be on the shelf. Your dad just bought a vase of flowers for your mom, and you start day dreaming about how happy you'll be one day when you have a special someone to buy you red roses. The sense
of urgency to marry peaks on days like valentines leaving you feeling lonely. But the after affects of another solo Valentine’s Day don’t always
influence us for the better. Here’s caring word of caution from J. Lee Grady to counteract
that loneliness.
My wife and I raised four daughters—without shotguns in the
house!—and three of them have already married. We love our sons-in-law,
and it’s obvious God handpicked each of them to match our daughters’
temperaments and personality.
I have always believed God is in the matchmaking business. If He can do it for my daughters, He can do it for you.
Today
I have several single female friends who would very much like to find
the right guy. Some tell me the pickings are slim at their church, so
they have ventured into the world of online dating. Others have thrown
up their hands in despair, wondering if there are any decent Christian
guys left anywhere. They’ve begun to wonder if they should lower their
standards in order to find a mate.
My advice stands: Don't settle for less than God's best.
Too many Christian women today have ended up with an Ishmael because
impatience pushed them into an unhappy marriage. Please take my fatherly
advice: You are much better off single than with the wrong guy!
Speaking of “wrong guys,” here are the top 10 men you should avoid when looking for a husband:
1. The unbeliever.
Please write 2 Corinthians 6:14 on a Post-it note and tack it on your
computer at work. It says, “Do not be bound together with unbelievers;
for what partnership have righteousness and lawlessness, or what
fellowship has light with darkness?” (NASB). This is not an outdated
religious rule. It is the Word of God for you today.
Don’t allow a
man’s charm, looks or financial success (or his willingness to go to
church with you) push you to compromise what you know is right.
“Missionary dating” is never a wise strategy. If the guy is not a
born-again Christian, scratch him off your list. He’s not right for you.
I’ve yet to meet a Christian woman who didn’t regret marrying an
unbeliever.
2. The liar. If you discover that the man you
are dating has lied to you about his past or that he’s always covering
his tracks to hide his secrets from you, run for the nearest exit.
Marriage must be built on a foundation of trust. If he can’t be
truthful, break up now before he bamboozles you with an even bigger
deception.
3. The playboy. I wish I could say that if you
meet a nice guy at church, you can assume he’s living in sexual purity.
But that’s not the case today. I’ve heard horror stories about single
guys who serve on the worship team on Sunday but act like Casanovas
during the week. If you marry a guy who was sleeping around before your
wedding, you can be sure he will be sleeping around after your wedding.
4. The deadbeat.
There are many solid Christian men who experienced marital failure
years ago. Since their divorce, they have experienced the Holy Spirit’s
restoration, and now they want to remarry. Second marriages can be very
happy. But if you find out that the man you are dating hasn’t been
caring for his children from a previous marriage, you have just exposed a
fatal flaw. Any man who will not pay for his past mistakes or support
children from a previous marriage is not going to treat you responsibly.
5. The addict.
Churchgoing men who have addictions to alcohol or drugs have learned to
hide their problems—but you don’t want to wait until your honeymoon to
find out that he’s a boozer. Never marry a man who refuses to get help
for his addiction. Insist that he get professional help and walk away.
And don’t get into a codependent relationship in which he claims he
needs you to stay sober. You can’t fix him.
6. The bum. I
have a female friend who realized after she married her boyfriend that
he had no plans to find steady work. He had devised a great strategy: He
stayed home all day and played video games while his professional wife
worked and paid all the bills. The apostle Paul told the Thessalonians,
“If anyone is not willing to work, then he is not to eat, either” (2
Thess. 3:10). The same rule applies here: If a man is not willing to
work, he doesn’t deserve to marry you.
7. The narcissist. I
sincerely hope you can find a guy who is handsome. But be careful: If
your boyfriend spends six hours a day at the gym and regularly posts
closeups of his biceps on Facebook, you have a problem. Do not fall for a
self-absorbed guy. He might be cute, but a man who is infatuated with
his appearance and his own needs will never be able to love you
sacrificially, like Christ loves the church (Eph. 5:25). The man who is
always looking at himself in the mirror will never notice you.
8. The abuser.
Men with abusive tendencies can’t control their anger when it boils
over. If the guy you are dating has a tendency to fly off the handle,
either at you or others, don’t be tempted to rationalize his behavior.
He has a problem, and if you marry him you will have to navigate his
minefield every day to avoid triggering another outburst. Angry men hurt
women—verbally and sometimes physically. Find a man who is gentle.
9. The man-child.
Call me old-fashioned, but I’m suspicious of a guy who still lives with
his parents at age 35. If his mother is still doing his cooking,
cleaning and ironing at that age, you can be sure he’s stuck in an
emotional time warp. You are asking for trouble if you think you can be a
wife to a guy who hasn’t grown up. Back away and, as a friend,
encourage him to find a mentor who can help him mature.
10. The control freak.
Some Christian guys today believe marriage is about male superiority.
They may quote Scripture and sound super-spiritual, but behind the
façade of husbandly authority is deep insecurity and pride that can
morph into spiritual abuse. First Peter 3:7 commands husbands to treat
their wives as equals. If the man you are dating talks down to you,
makes demeaning comments about women or seems to squelch your spiritual
gifts, back away now. He is on a power trip. Women who marry religious
control freaks often end up in a nightmare of depression.
If you
are a woman of God, don’t sell your spiritual birthright by marrying a
guy who doesn’t deserve you. Your smartest decision in life is to wait
for a man who is sold out to Jesus.
J. Lee Grady is the former editor of Charisma
and the director of the Mordecai Project (themordecaiproject.org).
You can follow him on Twitter at @leegrady
. He is the author of 10 Lies Men Believe
and other books.
Happy hunting, ladies! ;)
Madam Mocha
